第一幕:喝酒

武松:Hello! I am Wu Song. The most handsome, the most famous, the most clever man in Liang Shan. I am going home to kill my sister in law Pan jinlian! She poisoned my brother. I told my brother Pan jinlian was dangerous. But My brother still married her. (嘆氣,唉….跟音樂一起唱且跳舞)Dangerous, dangerous! The girl is dangerous.
武松(見到酒店一家):A restaurant! Good. I am hungry. (進屋坐下)Waiter! Wine! Wine! The best wine!
小二:Hi, sir. Sit down please. Would you like XO, Er Guo Tou, Mao Tai, or Qing Dao beer?
武松:(暈暈乎乎地)How much is the XO?
小二:1880 ( 展示大瓶酒,醒目的標價)。
武松:Open…Open…..(噴嚏)(小二將酒瓶起開)
武松:(面怒,片刻無語)Open the window please!Not the wine. I want some er guo tou! It’s strong enough.
小二
[熱門]新《水滸》 :You….You…..(敢怒不敢言, 轉身倒碗二鍋頭),Ok. Here you are.
武松:Anything to eat?
小二:Would you like sandwiches, hamburgers, bread, or pizza?
武松:Ten pizzas, please.
小二: Here you are!
武松:(喝一口酒)Good wine, very good wine!
(小二上了兩碗酒,武松喝了,卻是不再倒了)
武松:I want more wine. Why not serve me?服務員!淘寶最有效的減肥藥排行榜怎么不倒酒了?
小二:Sir, More pizzas OK, more wine no way! 客官,要比薩餅就給您,這酒就不添了。
武松:(生氣) Why? I have money! (扔錢倒桌上)
掌柜:Look! (指著 “三碗不過岡”牌子)。This wine is very strong. One bowl, comfortable. Two bowls, can’t walk. Three bowls, drunk and fall!,(叫店小二示范) 喝一碗神清氣爽,喝兩碗保你渾身無力,喝三碗就立刻醉倒,最多喝保證你酒精中毒,命都沒有了……
武松:(喝一口,擠笑)Who am i? Wu Song! Even 18 bowls is nothing for me. Give me wine!(咆哮,敲桌子) 不是我狂妄,這酒勁雖大,可我絕對是應付得了,就是喝上十八碗也只是漱口而已,倒酒!
掌柜:But you must call this number first.(掏出手機,出示電話號碼, 旁邊注明棺材預訂), Then I will serve you more wine.
武松:(勉強同意,做打電話狀)Hello!.......
小二:Here is your wine. But your last meal, I think.你的酒來了!慢慢喝,估計是你最后一頓了。
(武松冷哼一聲。一次次舉起大碗,眨眼間十八碗酒就下了肚吃完了,拎著他的棍子就走)
小二:Where are you going, sir?
武松:Jing yang gang去景陽岡后面的陽谷縣。
服務員:Oh, my god. You want to die? There is a tiger there. It has eaten 30 People. You’d better not go today. It’s dark. 客官萬萬去不得!如今景陽岡上有只華南虎,天一黑就出來害人,已經害了三十幾個人,官府限期叫獵戶去捉,岡下都有廣告,除了中午,都不能過岡,現在已經快天黑了,你不要命就去吧。我看你還是在我這里住一晚最好。
武松:(醉醺醺地) A tiger? I’ll kill it! Look ! I am so strong. I am good at Kong Fu!(秀肌肉,舞弄棍子,踢腿。)老虎?我要殺了它! 看我有多壯!我的功夫多棒!
掌柜:You are drunk. Don’t go.看你這樣子就知道你喝多了,怎么說起胡話了?可萬萬去不得!
武松:(生氣) Go away! (搖搖晃晃走了) 切,減肥藥哪種好最討厭人家小看我了,一邊呆著去。
掌柜:(搖頭嘆氣)e mi tuo fo! God bless you! A men! (阿彌陀佛,上帝保佑,阿門)
第二幕:打虎
(武松提著短棍,大著步,徑向景陽岡走去搖搖晃晃地走了一段路,有一只老虎跳出來)
武松:Oh!My god! It’s a real mother tiger! ( 跪地求饒) Miss tiger. let me go! My mother is 80 years old. My son is only 2 years old. Please. Please! 為什么要讓我碰見這只老虎?我才活了幾年啊!我不想死!我上有八十歲的老母,下有未出世的.兒女,我死了我們全家怎么活呀!
老虎:(大笑) I like pork. I like beef. I like chicken. But my favourite is human meat. Ha, ha….哈哈,我喜歡豬肉,牛肉,雞肉。但我的最愛是人肉!哈哈哈。。。(準備撲過去)
武松:(做暫停手勢)Stop! Let me have a look. Are you a real tiger? 等等, 你是真老虎嗎?
老虎:Of course! Come and see. My fur, my teeth, and my tail! 當然啦!來瞧瞧我的虎皮, 虎牙, 還有虎尾巴。
武松:Yes, yes. You are real. Can I take a photo? I will put it on the newspaper.是的,是的。你是真老虎。我可以拍個照嗎?我要把它放到報紙上去。
(掏出相機,準備拍攝)
老虎:Newspaper? Super star! Great! Come on! 上報紙?太好了。 來吧, 拍吧!(擺pose)
武松開閃光燈拍照,啪啪。。。!
老虎:(眼睛被閃花了。東摸洗摸。)Oh, no. I can’t see now! Oh, no!
武松:(舉起棍子就打) I will kill you and sell you for lots of money!
(棍子打到虎背上斷成兩截)
老虎:You cheat me ! I will eat you! ( 東撲西撲)你騙我,我要吃了你!
武松:(用繩子把棍子連接起來)ha, ha. Shuang Jiegun! (舞動起來,音樂《雙截棍》)
老虎:Eat you! Eat you! Eat you!.......(撲,撲, 撲。喘粗氣)I am tired!
武松一樣喘粗氣, 提棍子再打。 被老虎一爪子扇掉! 老虎順勢再撲, 武松情急之下脫掉鞋子向老虎扔去。老虎接住鞋子,一聞,大叫一聲(my god!Hong kong foot!)瞬時被臭得暈了過去。武松抓住時機上前一陣狂扁。老虎剛要醒來,武松把另一只鞋子在它臉上一晃。老虎一歪脖子,徹底嗚呼!
武松:Great!it’s dead. I am too tired.( 枕著老虎就睡著了。鼾聲陣陣….)
第二天早上,(公雞啼叫…喔,喔!)一群獵戶走過發現武松和老虎。
獵戶甲:Oh, he killed the tiger! Our hero!
眾獵戶:hero! Hero! Hero!......(簇擁武松下山) (突然警笛聲響起!)一輛警車停在眾人面前。警察下車,一把銬住武松。
警察甲:You killed the tiger? We should protect tigers! Follow us to the police station!
武松:Why? Why? I’m the hero. Let me go! Let me go! …..
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